Small Bids, Big Belonging, Huge Performance
Who turns to you? Sees you from across the room, in the hustle and bustle.
How the smallest gestures predict love, belonging, and performance — in couples and at work!
We think belonging grows through grand gestures — offsites, promotions, recognition speeches.
But belonging doesn’t bloom in the spotlight.
It grows in the unobserved daylight — in the small, constant bids,
the quiet offers for connection that pass between us all day long.
Those instances when employees look to us, reach for us…
and we either turn toward them, or away.
The Smallest Units of Connection
Dr. John Gottman calls them bids for connection —
the small, everyday attempts we make to connect with another person,
to feel seen, heard, understood, or valued.
They’re not grand gestures — they’re the quiet “Hey, look at this,”
the “How was your day?”,
the brief hand on the shoulder,
the half-smile across a room.
According to Gottman, they’re ordinary, almost invisible — but vital.
Because beneath every bid lives a single question:
“Do I matter to you?”
Maybe, we should think of them as something even more profound —
vulnerable offers to belong.
In this light, each bid risks a little piece of self.
To make one is to say, “I'm trusting you with a little bit more of me.”
And in every response, we choose:
“You do matter to me.”
“Do I matter to you?”
It’s always relational — a continually fluid Us-story,
written moment by moment in how we turn toward each other. And maybe more importantly, how we re-turn to each other, over and over again.
So, instead of the bids as“the everyday attempts we make to feel seen, heard, or valued,” think of the moments as continual and dynamic offers to be each other’s.
The Science Behind Connection
In Gottman’s Love Lab, researchers watched couples interact over dinner.
Happy, long-term couples made around 100 bids in just ten minutes.
Unhappy or later-divorced couples made far fewer — and most went unnoticed or unanswered.
How partners responded to those small bids became the strongest predictor of whether they’d stay together.
Turn Toward – You notice, engage, connect.
Turn Away – You ignore or stay distracted.
Turn Against – You respond with irritation or criticism.
The results were clear:
Couples who turned toward bids 85–90% of the time stayed together.
Those who did so only 30–35% eventually broke apart.
It wasn’t compatibility or passion that mattered most.
It was how often they noticed — and responded. Active with each other, in relationship.
Moments of Us at Work
Each “turn toward” is a deposit in the emotional bank account of belonging.
Each ignored or rejected bid is a withdrawal.
Over time, these moments of us define the emotional climate — whether between partners or teammates.
And they usually happen in that same unobserved daylight —
the brief glance, the offhand comment, the check-in at the edge of a meeting.
Moments no one celebrates or checks, but everyone feels.
In elite performing teams, the same neurobiology applies.
When leaders consistently turn toward the small bids — a question, a concern, a celebration — they create the chemistry of belonging:
oxytocin for increased emotional abilities, serotonin for adaptable focus, and calm confidence under pressure.
When they don’t, belonging leaks away.
From Couples to Companies: Turning Toward as a Lead Measure
In companies, belonging starts long before engagement scores or retention metrics.
It starts in how people respond to each other’s small, vulnerable offers to belong.
That’s why belonging needs lead measures — daily, observable, human behaviors you can count before disconnection sets in.
1. Daily Check-Ins – Every teammate gets seen and heard at least once a day.
2. Gratitude Moments – Each person gives and receives genuine appreciation weekly.
3. Story Sharing – Weekly space to connect personal meaning to each other, and company purpose.
4. Growth Conversations – Monthly discussions about development and contribution.
5. Repair in Real Time – When friction happens, it’s named and addressed within 48 hours.
These are your organizational “turns toward.”
Track them, and you’ll measure belonging before you lose it.
How to Lead with Small Bids
Notice bids/offers. Connection attempts are constant — a question, a pause, a suggestion. Your seeing them is the offer.
Turn toward. Even a brief acknowledgment builds relational equity.
Avoid turning away or against. Distraction or dismissal costs more than the disagreement.
Make your own bids. Reach out, thank, or ask for input. Leaders model belonging.
Ritualize belonging. Create recurring moments that make turning toward a habit.
Measure it. Count the lead measures that keep your culture human.
Feel. Own. Care.
Bids for connection are living examples of Feel-Own-Care:
Feel – Every bid is a vulnerable reach: “They offer their emotional state.”
Own – Turning toward is ownership: “You choose them in the moment.”
Care – Responding is compassion made visible: “You act on their behalf.”
In couples, this is love.
In companies, this is a belonging culture.
Because belonging doesn’t happen in the spotlight.
It grows subtly and powerfully in the unobserved daylight —
in those moments when our employees look to us, reach for us…
and, we choose, again and again, to turn toward them.
This moves us into the space of Unite & Fight, out of the loneliness that traps us in fight/flight.
That’s the heartbeat of every Us-story:
where Feel, Own, and Care becomes lived in belonging's choices —
a continual “You do matter to me.” made visible.